Tuesday, March 27, 2012

things i've learned my first year of motherhood

i'll have M's birthday post soon,

if you follow me on instagram or twitter you already know 

that she spent her birthday sick.

poor girl.

she's okay now, but it was a pretty crappy weekend.

i'm officially the mother of a one year old, 

which means i've survived my first year of parenthood.

i feel like this year has made me a completely different person.

here are some things i've learned during my first year of motherhood.

THE LOVE

oh, the love. 

selfless love.

 everyone tells you about the love when you're pregnant and it's all true.

it sounds cliche, but i have never experienced this kind of love.

it's like, every single fiber of my body, every cell, every single piece of me loves Maja so much.

sometimes i feel like i could explode from the love i have for her.

i remember what a surreal and overwhelming moment it was meeting her for the first time.

i loved her so much, but didn't know her.

i've never loved someone before getting to know them.

i had to learn her likes and dislikes, her wants and needs.

and, i've never wanted to give to someone the way i want to give to her.

my love for her is endless.

i thought i loved ivo to the max before we had M.

but, that was nothing compared to the love i have for him now.

our love is even deeper than before.

we made her, we love her, and we love each other for her.

I AM STRONGER THAN I HAVE EVER GIVEN MY SELF CREDIT FOR

anyone who has had their child in the hospital knows how terrible it is.

giving birth to Maja and holding her for the first time was amazing, 

but having her quickly taken away from me was heartbreaking.

knowing that she would also be in the hospital for an unknown amount of time was awful.

being sent home from the hospital without my baby felt so unnatural.

i spent between 18-20 hours in the hospital with her, every day, for 22 days.

i was in protective mama mode.

i didn't want anyone else, besides me, doing anything for her.

i was her mom.

i was there to protect her.

there were endless disagreements with some of the NICU nurses and the Neonatologists. 

i was her mom and you better believe i wasn't about to let any unnecessary interventions take place.

i surprised myself by how strong-willed i was being.

i was proud of myself.

forever i've allowed people to walk all over me,

i hated confrontation (with even close friends) 

and suddenly i'm able to stick up for myself and for my family.

i'm exceptionally proud of that.

I CANNOT DO IT ALL

i wish i could, really.

but, i cannot.

i'm not the person who has a perfectly tidy house

 or dinner waiting on the table when my husband gets home...

i do not have perfectly done hair and makeup.

(heck, i'm usually still in my jammies when Ivo gets home)

i'm not always on top of my work, emails, blogging...

and, ya know what?

i'm okay with that.

i'm a good mom, and maja and ivo are happy.

that's what matters.

I FEEL SO DEEPLY

having a child has tapped into a whole different emotional process for me.

i feel things so deeply.

movies, commercials, the news...

i'm moved to tears more times than i can count.

THINGS CHANGE SO QUICKLY

just as soon as i'm used to a new phase in Maja's life or routine it suddenly changes.

the moments are so fleeting, it's hard to keep up.

it's amazing how quickly they grow and learn.

I'M CONFIDENT IN MY PARENTING

i always imagined that i would be constantly questioning if i was doing it right.

 i don't. maybe i should? but, i don't.

i do exactly what i feel is best, i go with my gut,

and so far so good. ;)

NOTHING IS GROSS WHEN IT COMES TO MAJA

it's so funny, snot and stinky diapers always grossed me out with kids that weren't mine.

but, there is no amount of liquid or body functions that bother me when they come from her.

when she was a newborn and super colicy,

i was staring straight in her face making some ridiculously embarrassing faces

when she suddenly projectile vomited IN MY MOUTH.

i didn't even flinch.

I GET WAY MORE SLEEP THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD

when you're pregnant everyone tells you to get plenty of rest because once the baby comes you won't get any sleep...

i don't find that to be true, for us.

maja has never slept through the night, ever.

she still nurses every 2-3 hours, but we still manage to get 8-9 hours of sleep each night.

neither of us fully wake up, so she eats and we're both back to sleep.

EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT

it really doesn't matter what other people are doing with their kids or what their kids are doing.

each child is different.

each parent is different.

there is no right or wrong way, it's whatever works for each individual.

there shouldn't be any competition.

ivo and i know what's best for us, not anyone else.

yes, everyone has opinions...

but, it doesn't matter.

NOT EVERYONE CARES ABOUT KIDS

it's so easy for me to talk about each new milestone in M's life,

 to oohh and aaahhh about her perfection.

but, some people just aren't into kids.

and, that's okay.

i try to sensor myself when it comes to people who show no interest in kids. ;)

I HAVE NO ROOM IN MY LIFE FOR PETTY BULLSHIT
having Maja and feeling so much love and seeing something so perfect,
has made it SO easy to see things that aren't worthwhile.
i'm able to focus on what's important and to not spend time on things and people
who aren't important in our lives.
it's refreshing.

I WANT MORE KIDS
okay, i knew i always wanted more kids.
but, that feeling has been solidified this past year.
i love being a mom.
i love our little family.
and, i cannot wait to (fingers crossed) add more little ones to our menagerie.

EVERYTHING I DO FOR HER, I ENJOY
it sounds silly.
but, there is no part of being Maja's mom that i don't enjoy doing.
diapers, nursing, bathing, rocking her to sleep, caring for her when she's sick...
all of it.
i do it, with love.

THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE I'D RATHER BE
when i sit and envision the perfect life, this is it.
exactly where i am.
i'm so happy...
i'm doing what i feel i am meant to do.
such a wonderful feeling.


xo

 

one month  

 two months  

three months  

four months 

five months  

six months  

seven months  

eight months  

nine months  

ten months  

eleven months  

twelve months
what an amazing year...

Thursday, March 22, 2012

the birth story.

here's my birth story.

i originally posted it on my best birth

(which is such a great community of natural birthing mama's)

I had such a great pregnancy. My first! Happy and healthy, pretty much the whole time! I had a wonderful midwife, Simona, who offered excellent prenatal care. I planned on giving birth at her lovely birth center and was so excited for a water birth. I diligently studied my Hypnobabies CD's, which I LOVED. I felt so prepared...so ready. That was, until I went into preterm labor at 32 weeks, 6 days.

I woke up on Monday, March 21st with terrible lower back pain. I figured I had slept wrong or that it was just one of those annoying pregnancy pains. I ran some errands and went to out to lunch, but couldn't focus on anything due to this terrible persistent back pain. I went home, put a warm compress on my back and took a long nap. I woke up early in the evening to even worse pain. I decided to try to make dinner and ended up bringing my yoga ball into the kitchen and sitting on it while I cooked. My husband gave me a massage and suggested that I put on my Hypnobabies relaxation CD, which helped. I ended up falling asleep during the relaxation cd, but then woke up with lower back pain that started wrapping around to my lower abdomen. The abdominal cramps started getting more intense and I realized they were becoming rhythmic: oh, no. I called my Mom in a panic, and she suggested that I start timing them. The contractions were lasting between 3 to 5 minutes, and were only 2 minutes apart. My husband called my midwife and she told us to get to the ER as soon as possible. When I got to the hospital they checked me and said that I was 2cm, fully effaced. That’s when I really began to panic! How could this be happening? Is the baby ok!? All of these things were rushing through my head ... and, to top it off, I was in a hospital, which wasn't part of my plan. I didn't feel prepared at all. Originally, I didn't want any medical interventions. But when this all happened, I was so scared that something was wrong. A lot of my previous "wants/don't-wants" went out the window. I just wanted my baby to be safe.

Back to the hospital...
I was immediately given magnesium to slow down labor, a shot of steroids for the baby's lungs to mature, and 2 separate catheters (not fun). None of the nurses were letting me know what was going on...they were doing things without any explanation. I wish I was better informed. The hospital I was at didn't have a NICU, so they moved me to another hospital, about 20 miles away (thank goodness! the hospital we were at was terrible!). When I arrived at the new hospital, they immediately took the catheter out, because apparently, it was completely unnecessary for the other hospital to have put one in. They gave me an ultrasound and saw that the fluid looked fine and also tested for an infection. The test came back negative. The doctors came and explained that they would ideally like the baby to stay in until 34 weeks, but whatever happens will happen. Basically, there was no way to stop labor, but they wanted to keep me on bed-rest and hope for the best. They sent a NICU representative to talk to us about what would happen if the baby was born at 33 weeks, which made us feel a little bit better. We were more confident that the baby would, for the most part, be okay. They decided to take me off of the magnesium, but gave another shot of steroids for the baby's lungs. The contractions definitely slowed down and became barely noticeable while on the magnesium. So, I pretty much rested for a day and a half. On Wednesday, March 23rd they took me off of the IV and removed the intermediate fetal monitor and were preparing to move me out of L&D and into the high risk pregnancy section, but a room wasn't available so I had to stay in L&D until the next morning.

My husband had been in the hospital with me the entire time and was exhausted! I tried to convince him to go home and get some rest. He felt uneasy about it so we called my nurse in to ask some questions. She GUARANTEED that I would not go into labor for another week, and that IF I did go into labor I would only progress 1cm and hour. So, he would have PLENTY of time to get to the hospital. So, assured that everything would be fine, he went home and went to sleep....deep sleep.

A couple of hours later, while watching a movie, my lower back pain started to come back and I was feeling lower abdominal cramps more frequently. I called in my nurse to let her know they were at about a 4 in pain level. Her response was, "No, you've been in bed for a while, and you're probably having lower back pain because of that. Just get some rest". Umm...ok? About 20 minutes later, while lying in bed, I moved a little and suddenly felt and heard a loud “POP! POP!” followed by a sharp pain. I ran to the bathroom to find clear fluid pouring out. I called for my nurse and explained and showed her what happened. Her response was, "When you're pregnant, you get extra discharge...that's probably what that is." I told her that I know what discharge is, and this is clear fluid POURING out, totally different than discharge! It was so frustrating -she wasn't listening to me. I immediately sent my mom and husband text messages letting them know I thought my water broke. My mom responded and said she would come right away, no response from my husband. The nurse then witnessed me having a pain level 7-8 contraction and finally started to take me seriously. She said she didn't want to check me for fear of "riling things up in there." But, after another contraction, she decided it was best to. She checked me for maybe half a second before taking off running out of the room (I later found out that the baby's head was extremely low). I was so scared. I knew this was it and I was alone. I called my Mom and told her that it was time, go get my husband, and HURRY!! That was at 10:48PM. I turned on my Hypnobabies relaxation track and kept saying "Peeeaaaccceeee" over and over. It really did help; I felt so much more calm and relaxed. I think it helped me from tensing up so much. Then, nurses rushed into the room. They were raising my bed, setting things up, calling the NICU. It was crazy and I was bawling. I was so afraid. I had another contraction, this one worse than any before and I HAD to push. The nurses kept telling me I had to wait; the doctor wasn't there yet! Then the doctor came rushing in, along with the NICU team. It was time! Three hard pushes later and I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! She was out at 11:00PM, exactly. The NICU team immediately took her to examine her. She didn't need oxygen! She was great! Her APGAR score was 9 and 9, almost perfect! They let me hold her for a few minutes before taking her to get further examined in the NICU. She was perfect. Instant love. It was so hard for me to hand her over to the doctors, but I knew it was best.

10 minutes later, I was sitting in the delivery room...alone. I called my husband to tell him he had missed it! He was so sad. But, I did get to tell him what we had...a GIRL! He was so excited. I called my mom to let her know she was a grandma! She was shocked she missed it! They both arrived at the hospital at 11:15pm and we were able to go over to the NICU to see our girl! She was absolutely perfect!

She ended up staying at the hospital for a total of 22 days, mostly to work on eating. That was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I just wanted her home. Living at the hospital was not a fun experience, but on April 14th we got to bring our little gal home. It's been pure heaven having her home...

Yes, her birth did not go as planned...and, there are certainly things I am still not able to fully process or feel comfortable with, yet. Yes, my husband missed the birth of our first child because a nurse put him so much at ease that he didn't wake easily from the noise of his cell phone. Yes, I did accept medical intervention. It is what it is. She's here, she's healthy...that's all I can really ask for. We don't know why I went into labor so early. We probably will never know. I do hope that with my next pregnancies I can have the completely natural birth I had hoped for.

Here is a link to some pictures of my little lovey: http://adayinthelifeofmaja.tumblr.com/

i'm usually not a very sentimental person. 

i don't hold too much emotional attachment to "things".

i prefer pictures and the memories themselves.

since having maja i've found myself incredibly sentimental.

i've held on to my hospital bracelets and the chart of my contractions 10 minutes before i had her.

i kept all of the things she used while in the NICU.

her feeding tube, heart monitors, thermometer...

heck, i even kept her bellybutton. 

(which, before having M i thought was disgusting)

how can i part with any of it? 

i can't.  they're part of her.  part of her history.

i will hold on to them forever.

they are such a beautiful reminder of how far we've come.

all of the fear, pain, sadness...

we're here today and couldn't be happier.

i've been incredibly emotional the past week.  can you tell?

i received the sweetest comment from Ana telling me, 

"It gets better. You don't think that it can, but it does."

and, she's so right.

each new stage is better and more fun than the last.

and, each time i think that there's now way it can get better than this.

but, it does.

i'm excited about what this next year has in store for us.

i just wish time didn't move so quickly.

xo

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

a year ago today...

(from my baby shower)


a year ago today i woke up with horrible lower back pain.
 i decided it was just another pregnancy pain - maybe i slept wrong? - and brushed it off.
i picked up my sister and we headed out to meet my mom at the grand opening of veggie grill.

the whole 20 minute drive to the restaurant i drove completely hunched over to try to alleviate the pain.

the lunch was delicious, as usual, however my appetite was a little off.
one of the owners of the restaurant came over to congratulate me and tell me how great i looked.
he said he couldn't even tell i was pregnant from behind,
which was a huge compliment, since most strangers enjoyed pointing out how HUGE i was.

 

after lunch we walked over to bed, bath, and beyond to look around.

my back was hurting so much that i spent the entire time sitting in one of their display massage chairs.

i bought a package of icy hot patches, hoping they would help.

i decided to skip the other plans we had for the day, in hopes of taking a nap and sleeping it off.

i slept and felt a little better, but the back pain was pretty persistent.

i decided to make dinner, eggplant parmesan.

while preparing dinner my back started hurting so badly that i brought my yoga ball in the kitchen

to sit on while i cooked.

HOW DID I NOT THINK ANYTHING WAS WRONG?

ivo gave me a couple of lower back massages, but nothing seemed to help.

finally, he suggested that i go lay down and listen to my hypnobabies tracks.

i did, and they helped me to relax and fall asleep.

in the meantime, ivo had come to bed and fallen to sleep.

i woke up around 10:30 with not just lower back pain,

but now abdominal pain.

i paced the room, not wanting to wake him up and scare him.

i finally called my mom, she asked if the pain was rhythmic -it was- so she told me to time them.

i woke up ivo who timed them, they were lasting around 4 minutes and were 5 minutes apart.

he called my midwife who told us to get my ass to the hospital.

I WAS IN SHOCK.

at 32 weeks and 6 days, how could this be happening?

the rest that happened that night is all a blurry mess.

painful catheters,  pointless interventions, zero answers, and a ton of fear.

i ended up being transferred to a different hospital with a NICU.

and, the rest is history.

i was feeling quite nostalgic today,

so my mom, ivo, maja, and i headed back to veggie grill to have an anniversary lunch.

we made sure to sit at the same table...

it was so fun.

she was there, with me.

i remember the day so vividly, it's nice to feel like it's come full-circle.

here are some pictures from today.
( it was M's first time eating food from a restaurant, she approves of the sweet potato fries )

 

#23, her birthday! 

veggie grill has the BEST vegan "fast" food. seriously.

 

how cute is he?! 

 

SHE STANDS NOW!! 

 

now, some play time with dadda 

xo