i've finally finished reading Pamela Druckerman's 'Bringing Up Bébé'.

 not only was it an extremely enjoyable read, i had quite a few, "ah-ha" moments.

i know many people were offended that someone could possibly say that another country, besides America, might be doing better at bringing up kids.

i am not one of those people.

as i stumble through parenthood i prefer not to label the type of parenting i'm doing,

you could loosely interpret it as "attachment parenting".

but, i dare not call myself that after, as an act of desperation,  i wrote on a AP message board

asking advice on the best way for Ivo to soothe Maja when I'm gone for 8-10 hours shooting a wedding. 

(she was 4 months at the time)

i was immediately berated by some of the women for even considering working when Maja was so young.

(i even noted that these long hours would only happen ONCE a MONTH)

some wrote things like, "most families can survive on one income, you should quit your job if you plan on being a decent parent"

"why do people have children if they are going to allow others to raise them."

the word selfish was used. a lot.

it was just plain ugly.

while i know the whole group isn't like that, and there are extreme people everywhere,

i decided that i don't want to associate myself with any of it.

i'll just parent the way that feels best.

i do feel that i've made some mistakes, and should have done things a little differently.

SLEEP.
in Bringing Up Bébé', she talks about how most Parisian babies sleep through the night starting at around 4 months.
most of them practice what she calls "the pause"
where you observe your newborn before rushing over to pick them up when they wake.

it's no where near "crying it out", but sometimes they're just ending a sleep cycle and are about to enter a new sleep cycle and will fall back asleep.

you just follow their rhythms of sleep.

i'll admit that i don't feel that i really ever observed her sleep, and most likey rushed over at the slightest noise to nurse or change her.

i never really let her find her own rhythm of sleep,

which could be the reason she still nurses throughout the night.

PATIENCE.

another key to parenthood, according to the book, is to teach your child patience.

the art of waiting.

to stray away from teaching your child that he or she is the most important person in the world.
that there are others with needs.



i feel like that's really important.
how many times have i tried to talk on the phone with friends who had to get off because their kid was pulling and screaming at them...
even with Maja, when she wants something, she wants it NOW and will throw a fit until i give in.
i realize that i'm not doing her a favor, i'm hindering her ability to cope with not getting her way.
this is something that i'm immediately working on.
i'm the one who dictates what she can and can't have and when she can have it...
i don't want her to learn to run over me.

FOOD.
food is also important.
the book talks about how the French typically skip rice cereal and start with nutrient-rich food.
the children are fed incredibly complex flavors and foods,
and can typically eat "anything".
i find this true, we did the same with M.
she eats exactly what we eat for dinner, spices and all,
and she's a great eater.
the only thing that she absolutely hates,
and will projectile vomit the second it touches her lips,
are garbanzo beans. - it's really funny-
we'll keep working on that one.

 

another important key to eating is the timing.

every four hours.  

breakfast, lunch, a snack, then dinner.

no snacking in between.

 this makes perfect sense to me.

but, of course,  i wasn't doing it that way.

any time M seemed hungry, I'd let her snack...

then, when it came to dinner, she'd just pick at it.

i've already started implementing strict meal times, and it's working perfectly.

(i'm still nursing on demand, though.)

BALANCE.

balance is a huge part of their lives.

making sure that one area of life doesn't disrupt another area.

this is a simple, sensible idea that is extremely difficult for me to wrap my head around.

being a mother has become my whole life.

and, i love it.

but, i understand that it's not fair to myself or maja.

she has become my whole life, and what a huge amount of pressure that will be on her.

they point out that, what will happen when the kids grow up and no long need the parents?

who will they be when they no longer need to be the "mother"?

i want to continue being myself, and not need to "find" my identity once the kids are grown up.

adult time and relationship are an important part of maintaining balance.

this is a constant struggle and something that i am continually working on.

we've been putting M to bed and spending time talking and laughing lately,

which has made such a difference in the way we function in our relationship.

a little thing like eating popcorn on our kitchen floor makes us feel closer and more connected. 

INDEPENDENCE.

giving a child strict boundaries and letting them move freely within those boundaries are key.

discovery and play are important, and they don't need adults interfering.

i'm a little embarrassed to say that, i'm the mom narrating and cheering M while she/we play at the park.

why?

why can't i just let her explore and figure things out on her own?

i feel that independent play is very important,

and usually don't interfere while she's playing at home...

but why do i do it everywhere else?

i should just let her be. 

which doesn't mean hands off parenting.

it just means that kids need to be kids, and they don't need adults to precipitate that.

i want maja to be able to entertain herself and enjoy alone time.

working on this now!

 

MANNERS.

manners are so important.

greeting and acknowledging adults and others are signs of good upbringing and respect.

parents are constantly drilling their children to say hello, goodbye, please, and thank you.

can i get an AMEN?!

manners are so important and, in my opinion, are missing in a lot of families.

most kids i know will hardly acknowledge me or rarely look up when i walk into a room.

that blows my mind.

manners were drilled into me, by my parents, and while it was annoying at the time,

i am so thankful they found it important.

if we don't teach kids respect of elders and others,

who will they respect?

i've already found myself saying "thank you" and "please" to M.

i definitely want her to be respectful of others.

 

 the most important thing to me is that M is happy.

and, after reading this book, i realize that in order to be happy she needs more boundaries.

but, in the confinement of these boundaries i've set, she needs to move freely.

ivo pointed out that these parenting techniques don't seem wholly "french",

maybe more European.

this is exactly how he was raised, by Croatian parents.

this is how my Mom was raised, with Norwegian and Irish parents.

this is how, for the most part, i was raised by my parents.

while i don't agree with every part of the book,

i do feel that some of the points are valid and worth implementing.

i do feel that parenting the way that feels natural is best,

but i should be conscience of some things and try not to be over-indulgent.

balance. patience. independence.

xo